Why I am One Beautiful Mess...

As I sat down to write this, these lyrics popped into my head

     Here I go, Here I go, Here I go again, girl what's my weakness..... 

If you had a radio in the 90's theres a good chance you know the song I'm talking about.  It's strange but where I am in life right now can be summed up in that very line, all that it implies and all that it leaves open.

Here I go: it's like jumping off a cliff, taking that first step, making that hard decision.  But it's taking that action, moving forward despite the challenges.  A few months ago I began searching and questioning what God wanted me to do, and He answered. Well, not in the way I hoped.  It wasn't a  billboard with a job title that listed duties, qualifications, and requirements.  However over the last few months He has shown me something more than I could have ever imagined.  Crazy thing is that I believe I am only seeing a glimpse of what He intends to accomplish.  And I am fully aware that He doesn't need me to do it.  (Proverbs 19:21)

The line in the song has Here I go twice, and then Here I go again. There have been so many times I have started a project, had a business "idea", began a new career, ventured down a path to the unknown that I can't even count them.  Each time I started out strong, I was sure GOD was telling me to do it.  I was earnest and determined.  This was going to be it, this would be the time my dreams would become reality.  And when that didn't "pan out" I felt like a complete failure.  I didn't understand.  How could I be so sure of what God was saying and then it not work out.  Once I got past the rejection, and the feelings of inadequacy and the hit to my self esteem.  I was always left with this... what must people think of me? I told myself the lie that because I never followed through with anything,  I wasn't worth anything.  I lived here for a long time.  I coped with these feelings in the very worst way at times.  Mentally I was depressed. Spiritually I was empty, and emotionally I was up and down all the time.  And the leads me to the line ...

 Girl: I love this, she's talking to her friend.  This is one of the things I desire most, connection and conversation between women. Some of the best moments in my life have been spent on the other end of the couch listening and talking with a precious woman, and being able to share my mess with them.  That connection with Godly women in my life helped me more than I will ever be able to express through words.  Tears fill my eyes as I think about it, but the women who encouraged me, taught me, pointed me back to scripture, mentored me, counseled me will forever hold a special place in my heart.  It's where my mess and theirs started to become beautiful. (2 Cor 1:3-4)

What's my weakness?: hmmmm, well were do I begin? I know what the song lyrics say, and while that may have been the case at some point it isn't now.  So praise God for that.  However there are so many others.  The very things that I thought were the reasons I wasn't good enough, or I wouldn't ever accomplish anything are the things that I now understand were what God has used to get me here.  He turned everything terrible in my life into something good. (Romans 8:28) Because see all those things, the career changes, ideas, and projects, were all part of the plan.  God knew before I did what each of those things would teach me, He knew how I would grow in my faith, He knew how I would need those experiences to show kindness and compassion to someone going through the same thing.  (2 Cor 1:3-4)

2 Corinthians 12:9-11 says:

     "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak I am made strong.

Those words are refreshing and freeing, I am ever so grateful for a God who gives me grace on top of grace, and who's love is immeasurable. 

That is only part of my beautiful mess, and as I continue to share using this blog, my prayer is that God would use it to encourage you in your journey,  I want my mess to become my message and for your mess to become your message!

I didn't coin the phrase, and I am not sure who did..( I will find out and give them credit) cause it's good! 

until next time

Grace R.